Hi guys! I’m so glad to be back! If you have been following this blog for a while, you probably know that from time to time I take these unannounced hiatuses. If you haven’t been following that long or you just didn’t notice, I do the ‘unannounced hiatus’ thing from time to time. Usually, when I come back form these hiatuses I say something like “I have been really busy with school,with work,with life in general” or something along those lines. But today I’m writing a really scary post, because I’m gonna share a part of my life that I usually don’t talk about that much. Not even in ‘real’ life (I am getting better at sharing and talking about it in my day to day life with the people around me, but I didn’t use to do it).
So here’s what I want to say, I have had anxiety as long as I can remember. I didn’t always know how to called it or what it was, actually I thought it was ‘normal’ for a long time. In recent years I have come to accept it as a part of my life and I felt I was getting really good at handling it. Nonetheless, the last few months proved me absolutely wrong. My anxiety has been worst than at any other time in my life, the last two months (a little more, maybe) have been so incredibly hard.
I have always gotten stressed easily, which makes my anxiety so much worst, or my anxiety makes me feel stress easily? I’m not sure. Lately, things have gotten a lot worst. I have been getting stressed by the smallest things and the situation usually gets out of my control SO fast. Within minutes I lose the capability of having rational thoughts and actually looking for solutions to my problems. I just don’t see a way out of them. That’s why things like school, work, my blog and life in general get so hard for me to handle, and I end up having to give something up -usually my blog- for a while. On top of all the stress and not seeing a way out for the smallest problems, I have been moody, I have been passing none stop, actually I have been moving none stop (my hands, my feet, I just can’t stop!), I have been feeling like I need to eat every few minutes, I feel like crying several times a day. Honestly, I have been feeling like my life is getting out of control.
The usual way I release my anxiety is by crying. In the past, I just started crying when I couldn’t take the feeling of ‘something crawling out of my chest’ anymore. So I would cry for a little bit, not often, just from time to time and I was alright. The first sign that this time my anxiety was getting to a really bad point or at least the first sign that worried me, was that I was having this crying ‘attacks’ -I don’t know how else to called them- more often. More that once a week, which it’s a lot more than normal for me, I would need to cry to feel better and that just doesn’t feel like something healthy to do. At least not anymore.
I always thought that my anxiety was too ‘normal’ – I mean too close to what most people feel in stressful situations- but recentely I have realised that it surpased that point and that I really need to do something about it. I have been doing some things that make me feel better (I will talk about them in another post) and right now, I’m looking at my options regarding profesional help. It’s just that I’m a really quiet person and it gives me anxiety just to think that I have to go and talk to someone. I don’t know yet, I’m considering it. But like I said, for now I have found other ways to feel better. So that’s good! And I’m feeling better, especially since I’m on winter break. So don’t worry!
This got long and way too personal. I hope you don’t mind, I think I just needed to write all of that. I needed to be honest before starting to post the usual bookish things again. If anyone feels like this and needs to talk, whenever you need, I’m here.